What’s your fuel?

“JACKIE, WHAT’S YOUR FUEL?”

I wrote that today in my planner. Today is one of those days when you feel lost. Lost as in, you don’t know why you want something anymore. I can’t find the fuel to keep me going. I felt like I ran out of gasoline in the middle of nowhere.

I was thinking about my family, specifically my baby sister, I think about her future all the time and I am excited to offer the world to her. I will be responsible for her. I will make money for her and myself and my whole family. But then again, I don’t think it convinced me enough. I felt like there is some place in my heart that has been sleeping for quite some time and I don’t remember how I let it happen. All I knew was that I feel lost.

That’s why as I was sitting at our studio, I prayed. I asked for guidance. I want him to guide me and lead me to the right way and right reason to continue learning.

And after 5 hours, I saw this on facebook http://fredericting.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/to-study-and-to-study-well-is-the-least-that-we-can-do/

It was a post of a fellow isko.

What really touched me was when he said that people give their trust to us (medical practitioners) on the hopes of becoming better. That’s the time I felt really guilty. I have been whining all day long, everyday about how difficult everything is. I have been seeing the people in PGH waiting for so long but I forget about them each time I come in to the classroom and study. I keep on forgetting why I wanted to be a Physiotherapist in the first place.

I wanted to help, not just survive. I wanted to live not just for my family, but for others.

Thank you for sharing this Mr. Fred. You don’t know how much it means to me and I know that He wanted me to discover that post. I never really browse through facebook anymore. But somehow, I found your post and my reason to keep going. I hope to meet you one day in UPM-PGH or anywhere Mr. Fred. May God bless you.

Thank you for waking my tired soul and body, you fired it up again with passion. Thank you.

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Faith

Last Friday, January 3rd, I got home around 9:30pm from a get together with my high school friends. The door was locked so I had to knock loudly so that someone can open the door. As I was about to go upstairs to my room, I heard my aunt asking for me to help her get up because she fell from her bed.

My aunt cannot walk, diabetic and has a very lengthy medical record because of her weak body.

Our house-helper and I tried to help her and when we had her almost sitting, I saw blood. Blood all over her face and the floor. I was shocked. I felt my heart stopped for a while and my hands were shaking so bad. Good thing I still have my mind alert and went upstairs to wake up my whole family and told them that my aunt needs to go to the hospital. I took deep breathes and reminded myself that showing my aunt that I’m scared will never help her get better.

Upon reaching the ER the doctors and nurses attended to my aunt and I am very thankful to them. She was given anti-tetanus shot, her wounds were cleaned and had x-ray. Thank God the results were normal but my other aunt which is a doctor gave instructions for my aunt to stay in the hospital so they can monitor her condition.

2 days later we were almost ready for her to come home.

But she vomited twice. Which is a really bad sign when you hit your head. So she had a CT scan.

My mom also tested my aunt with “Babinski reflex” and my aunt showed positive results which means her CNS has problems.

Today, my aunt told my mom that the possible cause of her vomiting is hydrocephalus. I was almost about to cry but my mother explained everything to me and my uncle. I am very thankful that there is a solution to the problem.

We were talking outside but then we were called inside because my aunt was crying. I think she sensed that we were talking about her condition and I now she was scared. My mom and I tried to calm her down. We explained everything to her.

My mom told my aunt that she’ll get better, just like her, my uncle and my grandfather. Hindi naman ibibigay satin ni Lord yan diba kung hindi natin kaya? Kinakatok niya lang tayo at pinalalakas. This was the exact words that she said.

My family was never religious.

But we never forget to have faith. We believe in Him and how good he is. He loves us and He’ll always want us to be stronger. We know we’ll get through this because He’ll be with us.

Thank You God. Thank You for giving me this amazing life, family, friends and so much more.

I’ll never thank You enough for them.